Who am I?

Who am I? I am most surely not Alexandra from Russia. I am not mean, or hateful, or envious. I do not wish harm on others and myself. I am caring, friendly.

I WISH.

Or do I? Kate has a point. If I spent as much time and effort as I do in trying to convince myself and some other people that I want to be happy and stop it, do I really want to ? I really don't know. It's an addiction i believe. I just went on flickr.com, and saw a picture that I could relate to. It was a picture of a wrist with pink makeup lined on it and in written in pen on the arm was "There's gotta be more to life than this." I have found that my baby cousins are part of that more to life for me. But how often do i see them? once every few months? And what happens while that antidepressnt doesn't work? So the photo had a caption beneath it and comments of other users of flickr.com. It stood out to me. copy and paste them then the web adress.

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There's a few kids I know at my Youth Group that cut themselves. As a leader, it pains me so much to see them suffer and well, keep quiet about it. They only want a better life. Someone to love them. Someone to show them some form of attention.
If only they knew how much Christ loves them.

- - - - - - -
The truth is sometimes love is not enough. If someone is seriously depressed and has a chemical imbalance, Jesus probably isn't enough either. When was the last time He healed a diabetic? Sometimes people need meds, therapy, or both to get better. And sometimes people don't get better no matter what they try.

The scars aren't that sad compared to the pain inside. Sometimes cutting is better than the alternative.
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http://www.flickr.com/photos/ansy/2197727704/

ok my writing again. So if you know me clearly you know I have many thoughts, so here they are:

I feel like I might 'get' Kate's feeling about it a teeny bit more. I however still do not know what to do. I am talking to my little sister on aim right now yet, tonight when I go to my room, the thoughts still come to me. I thought last night, well maybe its the meds. but then its me if I don't talk to corrine or kate about it. I feel like unless I see Joanna very soon our friendship is changing. Not becoming less neccesarily, just changing. Then theres the fact that I say when I do it. What if I didn't? Would people think Ive stopped or just being dishonest? Its all up to me. But then I think so if I did try and do something I would not regret but would cause sorrow to SoMe. I think even at the last moment how would I ask for help? just say well I kinda want to slit my wrists oped and OD on my meds? Ive thought about it a little but now I feel hesitant to say because some people are telling me not to and that they love me so I should do it out of love and they want me to lead a life I love but no one but me knows what it feels like to be me.
My only hint-- a tack, vane

i still cant believe it happened

so ya. I am still going crazy. He really said it. he's not supposed to! I think its so funny but I LOVE IT! yup the bad side of me. hehe. i hope it happens. EEP!

broken

I broke my new years resolution. last night. I could easily put the blame on someone but i did it. I toushed it. I didnt sleep. it was small tho really

YaY I'm HaPpY!!

I did not write these things but like them in this moment.

things we'll need

.
some space
some air
some water
some ground
some light
some night
some valleys
some mounds
some birds
some bees
some fire
some rain
some woman
some man
let's call it a day

two blog sites of others that I found that I like:

http://iansuri.wordpress.com/poems/

http://penquibblies.blogspot.com/

UffdA!

yup I said it- a swedish word. I say uffda for a couple of reasons--
1- Jesse. yup. I clearly regret ever signing in to chat with you. And we are not finishing any discussion about sex. clearly you don't really know me anyway so there.
2- grades- I upped my c in math to a B but then got a mini lecture from Dale and corrine about my F in History-- and they don't want to put pressure on me, ok sure.
3- a good friend of mine is starting to learn the real me and she wants to know about my depression. I know I should just tell her, seeing as she is a trustworthy person, but I tell people and its just like ok,,... there's really not much you can do about the past so just forget about it. I wish I could. We read part of Black Boy in class today and it just brought it back. Not all but enought that I was displeased. I am also itching to know hat someone thinks about a certain thing they might have read!!
so yup. not much else. went to the dentist today. no cavaties.

--me--

liars

Do not Lie. Dale is a liar. I am not a christian at this min ute or probably not this week. Grandma goes" that means youre not a Chistian/" Nope Grandma deal with it. I'm not as dull as you. I am in no mood whatsoever right now to believe he is a Christian. He is a liar and gossiper. Kate asked me about it. Now I am silent for a few weeks, till I get my meds. this is why I cannot speak . Because even adults have to go tell everyone. It is not Kates fault. I am still cool with her. but for sure not for awhile with the other two. by the way plz do NOT mention this to them if you see them or there will be a hate letter about you too.

--mad--66//7

tears

I want to be blank. I want to curl up in a ball and pretend that everythings fine, but its not. I'm not. I have these emotions which I can hardly control. Amen to the fact that I will hopefully get meds soon b/c I really don't know what I would do. people really would be surprised, sad to see me the way I was trying to do my math quiz, then HW tonight. So i get teast anxiety sometimes and I defenitely got it today. I was all of 2 questions into the quiz and I started hyperventalating a little then came the quiet tears. I tried but not hard ebought to supress them. I just hate not knowing. Hate regretting knowing that I knew I had a quiz and DIDNT study. then I came home and told Corrine that I got test anxious and that my group screwed up in history w/ our project and the only response she has for me is that i have 3 D's , a C and a B. never mind the B beign me I wish it were an A but I just said ok and resisted tears till I got in my room. 3 d's!!!??? I really don't know why I ever promised myself that**. I really need to do something. So I did something. I talked to Julie. If she hadn't picked up I would have tried Kate. I really needed to talkto someone today b4 I went to bed. I don't want to make bad decisions. I wasnt to be smart. I think I should change my name to I don't know. seriously- can you do that once you are 18? ok amybe not but I might move hopefully thought I will find my place in MN and get the proper meds, find more people for my support system and just get more friends! Talking to people I trust really helps when I need it. I have come a ways I think. From just keeping quiet to actually asking 4 help and stuff. It was G.L, well in part anyway.

Goodnight :)

<3 sasha