not much...

ya so not much going on. I'm swimming at 6am, schooling, HWing, eating and sleeping. Can't wait for this week to be over because I really don't want to take tests. So my psychology teacher was trying to help a girl W a disability when she tries to write her hand really sheakes I guess. So we had the whole hour to study and stuff. She told us to be quiet. Before morning anouncements came on she told us she was very dissapointed in us B/C we hadn't been quiet so she could help this sped. I hate speds. this girl doesn't really seem like a sped tho. she seems a lil more normal. so then lagit mrs. mortel told us she hopes we fail the test b/c we are so rude. umm ok sure I'l fail your fricking test. It really didn't phase me though. OK whatever. I take life as it goes. I don't get mad at mrs. mortel for beign a B---- b/c I know I used to not b able to concentrate if a paper rustled. somehow I got better. IDK So i think its me. I don't think I can have a best friend, or the few people who want me a BFF really don't know me. I can't wait 2 b ME.

--lonely only--

hate, sadness, questions, alone

I hate math. I hate I hate that I have to learn things that I don't want to. Oh so just now he decides to tell me well I have asked you questions in a way that has frustrated you. I have seen it before and it happened at least 5 or 6 times just now. What the FUCK? Go to hell! You do not know what I would do just to be left alone. You really have op fucking idea. You don't know me. You are so much more like the bitch who fucked up my life before, and is still trying to. I would never tell you this because I am a face saver. Haha ya right. not really. You don't know how much stress I have had all in less than 24 hours. NO no one died but shit piles up and it almost feels like i'm going to explode with tears. I will never let you see me cry. I will never give you that satsfaction. I know you would pretend to look at it a totally different way but if I'm involved, it's not about you. I'm so fucked up that there is no way for you to help me. Clearly you can't anyway. You can only make them worse. Why the hell did I give it up for Julie? Why I can't wait to turn 18. I am really starting to plot out that timeframe in my head. No no I would never run away, I have common sense, yes I'm a good girl. You have no idea. You really don't. I'm not christian. I do not accept jesus as my savior, as the only person who has saved me is Joanna Allison and you did not work through her. She has a brain. She knew full well what she was doing. You didn't have abything to do with it. Any way then this morning The bitch sent me 2 little ornaments and a note. Obviously I haven't read the note and probably won't. I wish I could burn it. I wish I could go back to that crazy free year. I have to get a job., earn money, send people presents, learn how to drive. No I DO NOT. Someone once told me you always have a choice. They were so right. I have a voice and a choice. Even if my voice speaks quietly it will speak. I could always just end it for good. Or I could skip school. Or I could run away. Don't be afraid for me right now. I'm not going anywhere for awhile. I want to learn how to drive BEFORE I get a job. I don't want presents so why the Fuck are people getting me one? Because they care about and love me. OK you do that and just cause me so much stress. I don't need anything. The one thing I need is to stay alive, and I half don't really need that. I need it just till Sept. 2008. I need to save my money for the 'road trip' Robyn and I are going to take when we learn how to drive. This world is so fallen.

things I hate

I hate it when I'm not perfect. I hate it when people expect perfection out of me. I hate it when people tell me I'm not as good as I could be, at something I like to do. I hate being around people when I just want to be alone. I hate it when I want to talk to someone and I can't get up the guts to do it. I hate it that I don't have a GF or BF. I hate it that I crush on my friends husbands. I hate it when I am so desperate that I almost do stupid stuff. I hate it that I can't be independent. I hate it that I have to be a part of a community that I am really NOT a part of. I hate not knowing the future. I hate it when the bottoms of my pants are wet. I hate it when my foods cold if its supposed to be hot. I hate it when people who read my blog don't comment good or other stuff on it. I hate it that I'm not always happy. I hate it that the bitch fucked up my life. I hate it that I can't fix my life. I hate CONSTANTLY getting talks about my grades. I hate people telling me to clean my room. I hate not being 21.I hate not being able to cry on anyones shoulder. I hate not being able to run to someones house for the night. I hate not being even 18. I hate it that I can't have a cat. I hate it that I can't have those peaceful weekends just reading with Bill the cat by my side when I was in GL. I hate a lot more things but I'm going to write in my real journal now.

this is kind of for kate, but anyone else too

So we did this exercise in church tonight. It was the usual relaxation one combined with meeting Jesus. I was fine with the relaxation part but when Kate said now you are going to meet Jesus. Then my'vision' got interesting. I was rowing a boat to an island. Then I got out of the boat. I had on no shoes. I had to walk and go find Jesus. The sand was very hot. This was supposed to be3 pleasant and relaxing. So I was walking semi tortured and had to keep going. Then because I am unable to imagine, or invision meeting Jesus the birch bark cross from AC came into mind. So I was in front of this cross. Then she said he was going to give me a present. My present was getting my face shoved violently into the dry hot sand. Then I suppose my brain got bored and so then I was shoving someones head into the sand. It felt good. This was supposed to be nice and tranquil. My life is not. My life is hell. Now I kind of know that I'm not the only one but I am the Lonely Only. I am lonely but I am ONLY me.

--Lonely Only--

AAHHHH!

Never a dull day. I did something stupid today and got a mixed reply. Well I just about interpretted one action in 10 different eays, but thats just me. So I basically am falling in love. not like love at first sight just a kid who I - ok want to kiss. he's smart, funny and kinda cute. So I want to tell myself to stop but the crazy wild child side of me won over. I have first and 4th hour with him. I'm not saying his name and you won't know unless you are lucky enought that I tell you or you can ask. So I gave him a note right before first hour was over and it said: 1- Are you single? 2- Would you kiss a girl who wasn't going out with you? Well just about the first minute of third hour I started thinking how dumb I was. I couldn't take it back though. So then in fourth hour he didn't say anything to me about it, nor I him. But I had my head on my desk and he tapped me on the head. Well I glanced at him and smiled. And that is all I know so far. I am kind of freaking out just in anticipation. The deal with me is that I am kind of a whore or slut. Surprise! Yes It's true please don't tell. It's not that I want to have sex with random guys, I just want some romantic love. I also want to be accepted and if a guy fills that sense of belonging then I will try. This I know after having a bit of experience in Freshman year. So now I wait as far as that goes.

Then in English class a staff of the school was watching our class. Of course Mr. Tanner had to read about America. The things he had to read had the n word, marajuana, and the f word. After she left he flipped out saying he might as well have showed us porn videos in front of her. He is so weird! Honestly I wouldn't mind one bit if he gets fired but shh. No I don't really care.

Then on the bus 2 kids got refferals. Like not threats but they actually got called up to the front of the bus and had to tell the bus driver thier name and what grade they were in. The two girl who got called up were honest. I have one in my first hour. They are the kind of kids who don't really care if they get suspended because then they don't have to go to school for a day. They don't like school anyway so it's like not even a punishment. I neber really got that concept. Do something bad and get a day off. If I hadn't learned my lesson I would probably be just like those kids. Except for the drug part. Thank Julie she somehow kept me from that. So that was my day. How was yours?(Sarcasm)

Lonely Only [Kate's Song]

I am done with fake.

I talked to a friend from MA yesterday and we talked about who she knew before I moved to MN. I don't like to talk about her but I believe Joyce did shape some of who I am, or want to be. I am different now from who I want to be. I want to be the way I was at some other time in my life. Yes I do wish I could go back and skip class in Malden and not do my homework. I wish I could do whatever I want to, whenever. So as I grow I learn that I probably can't do those things again, but I can stop talking to people who don't help me. I can stop talking to people who really don't know me. I am homesick. I realized that my home is in Stoneham, MA. I don't like talking to teens. This is who I am So I'm not going to pretend to be someone else, no to even for one night. I am done with this shit. I swear by God also that if DSS really stays pushy and won't let me not talk to joyce then the VERY instant I turn 18 I will never talk to that woman again. I can't wait just to know that I am an adult and NO ONE else can tell me what to do, nope. I am an alright person so I know how to follow rules, therefore the school staff does not need to try and enforce any fucking rules on me. I know them already, but thanks really not. I am Sasha Pearson. I am not a Christian. I will eat meat, but just for Corrine's covienience and only till I'm 18. I do not like youtube. I do not get any pleasure out of shopping,watching movies, or facebooking. I am not a teenager. I have had enough life experiences(mine and known of others) to know I like adults more. This is me, take it or leave it. I have my people and they will never abandon me and if they do then I will leave too.

Dec. 5. 07

God what the fuck? I hate this! I had a horrible day! If you were normal you might think it was ok but I'm not normal so I thought it sucked. I talked to Emily, didn't study in the morning when dale told me to and I had time at school. Didn't do (literally forgot) my psyc homework, didn't fix th math problem Dale also told me to do. didn't finish th spanish worksheet. did my english hw not to my standards, actually well maybe it is my standards but if it is why am i crying about it right now? I don't get my geometry ! Dale tried to explain it to me but sorry yougot a fuckin stupid niece. i don't know to whose standards I am living. I try to be perfect but I really don't try that hard. but when i fall short of my expectations I usually secretly cry. so then I really want to be perfect but now I'm kind of settling for someone with lower standards. I hate it. It's so confusing. and of course I decided to eat lunch today. I AM so DUMB! no really I sat at a table where i had to put my books bown before getting lunch then a bunch of aisian boys came and sat around me. It WASN'T me. they probably always sat thereand I just happened to be sitting there today. I didn't talk to them. then of course I had the issue of the dumb, fat, black "security Guard." OOhhhh she makes me so mad. I hope she rots in hell. sorry, if I decide to let you read this - yes I get mad sometimes and if you know me well enough I don't care what I say or write when I'm mad but most likely I just sigh and roll my eyes at everyone. Like when I was walking down the hall and everyone was being immature and childish people- and gosspiy. GRRR So I really felt like gouging someones eyes out. Thanks Joyce, Ya thanks alot- You passed on to me such a strength of hatred and supressed anger. I really just want to scream sometimes. I don't know why I have such an issue with authority. I just do sometimes. Like I pretty much knew she wouldn't let me go to my locker to put my books away during lunch but I hate hearing those grimy, unnecesary words out of her trap. And the metal gate inside doesn't help either. What is this- a penitentiary or a public school? I know why they do it. I know a lot I just fucking hate it for some reason. Everyone has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I have rights and I shouldn't lose them just bacause I am in school. I'm an ok kid. I'm not about to go do a drug deal, skip class or run screaming down the hallways, so I really don't see a problem. Ya but i really do know what the problem is- If they let me do it they have to let all the other bitches too and that would defeat the purpose. To keep the school a safe community- Do I care if it's safe? Hell no! Fuck life. I hate it.

Sasha

shocked...

I found out something about a friend the other day that I just can't get off my mind. I keep praying for this friend, and her family. I sometimes think about how much my life sucks but it's good for me to see others who really don't have it great. Tghen I just want to take this friends spot. Because of who I am I feel compassion. I want to take her hurt and confusion away. I see what Kate was talking about when you know people are doing things that aren't god for them or they have problems but you can't fix them or help them because they have to come to YOu for help. sigh. swimming is good. school is good. not much else, just living and praying.

questions...

So I have a ok life right? I live in a house, have warm food in the winter, get to do things that I like like swim. So what could I possibly cry about? Well I was listening to music last night, trying to fall asleep and then i realized something. Now I just want to say that yesterday was a really good day. I got up around 6am and read the newspaper. Then I helped my aunt bake cookies. Then I went online. At around noon I went to Lunch at Lean Chin with Kate. We talked about questions I have about the Christian faith. Well so as I was lying in bed pondering the questions Kate left me with, I had a realization. Now it might not be totally acucurate but I feel like I don't have a shoulder to cry on. I took a quiz on facebook and it told me I like physical touch. This is true. I don't mean like in any romantic way, just a lot of hugs, a few hi-5's or maybe a back rub...So this just got to me. I cried, as I often do when thinking at night. I thought, what's wrong with me? I have an ok life and there are kids in mexico, Africa and other places going with out food, or adequite shelter. I feel like even though I hated it then sometimes lately, I almost wish I was back at the residential... Here's why- 1 I got straight A's in that school. 2- I had Joanna, Amy, Anne, Kitty and I was closer to Julie. I also got to see Tish(dog), Bill (cat), Brownie (bunny) and chickens. I also did culinary which was basically I helped cook in the cafeteria for lunch, and got paid 5 dollars a day. that added up to 20. a week. I also didn't have as much stress as I feel I have right now. What IS the plus side of not being in Germaine Lawrence? The only answer I can come up with is that I don't have to hear girls screaming for no reason, and I don't HAVE to do a chore day. So ya. If you feel I deserve not to be in a residential right now , or want me to stay here. then comment me why.

Sasha