I hate math. I hate I hate that I have to learn things that I don't want to. Oh so just now he decides to tell me well I have asked you questions in a way that has frustrated you. I have seen it before and it happened at least 5 or 6 times just now. What the FUCK? Go to hell! You do not know what I would do just to be left alone. You really have op fucking idea. You don't know me. You are so much more like the bitch who fucked up my life before, and is still trying to. I would never tell you this because I am a face saver. Haha ya right. not really. You don't know how much stress I have had all in less than 24 hours. NO no one died but shit piles up and it almost feels like i'm going to explode with tears. I will never let you see me cry. I will never give you that satsfaction. I know you would pretend to look at it a totally different way but if I'm involved, it's not about you. I'm so fucked up that there is no way for you to help me. Clearly you can't anyway. You can only make them worse. Why the hell did I give it up for Julie? Why I can't wait to turn 18. I am really starting to plot out that timeframe in my head. No no I would never run away, I have common sense, yes I'm a good girl. You have no idea. You really don't. I'm not christian. I do not accept jesus as my savior, as the only person who has saved me is Joanna Allison and you did not work through her. She has a brain. She knew full well what she was doing. You didn't have abything to do with it. Any way then this morning The bitch sent me 2 little ornaments and a note. Obviously I haven't read the note and probably won't. I wish I could burn it. I wish I could go back to that crazy free year. I have to get a job., earn money, send people presents, learn how to drive. No I DO NOT. Someone once told me you always have a choice. They were so right. I have a voice and a choice. Even if my voice speaks quietly it will speak. I could always just end it for good. Or I could skip school. Or I could run away. Don't be afraid for me right now. I'm not going anywhere for awhile. I want to learn how to drive BEFORE I get a job. I don't want presents so why the Fuck are people getting me one? Because they care about and love me. OK you do that and just cause me so much stress. I don't need anything. The one thing I need is to stay alive, and I half don't really need that. I need it just till Sept. 2008. I need to save my money for the 'road trip' Robyn and I are going to take when we learn how to drive. This world is so fallen.
things I hate
I hate it when I'm not perfect. I hate it when people expect perfection out of me. I hate it when people tell me I'm not as good as I could be, at something I like to do. I hate being around people when I just want to be alone. I hate it when I want to talk to someone and I can't get up the guts to do it. I hate it that I don't have a GF or BF. I hate it that I crush on my friends husbands. I hate it when I am so desperate that I almost do stupid stuff. I hate it that I can't be independent. I hate it that I have to be a part of a community that I am really NOT a part of. I hate not knowing the future. I hate it when the bottoms of my pants are wet. I hate it when my foods cold if its supposed to be hot. I hate it when people who read my blog don't comment good or other stuff on it. I hate it that I'm not always happy. I hate it that the bitch fucked up my life. I hate it that I can't fix my life. I hate CONSTANTLY getting talks about my grades. I hate people telling me to clean my room. I hate not being 21.I hate not being able to cry on anyones shoulder. I hate not being able to run to someones house for the night. I hate not being even 18. I hate it that I can't have a cat. I hate it that I can't have those peaceful weekends just reading with Bill the cat by my side when I was in GL. I hate a lot more things but I'm going to write in my real journal now.
1 comment:
I will never claim to have you 100% figured out, I'm not going to be that person. But, as I read this, here are my thoughts for the person that you have put forth onto this page.
The interesting thing about community is that you don't always find it, sometimes it finds and chooses you. I hope that you know, even if you don't believe...that I'm glad you're a part of it. And at least in our small group, if you opened up and let out a bit of these feelings, these struggles to the other girls, you would find some amazing support, or at least listening ears. That's the other interesting thing about community -- in it's truest form, it goes both ways.
Obviously I have other thoughts and opinions. :) But, I will leave you with this one other perception. This anger, this rage, this hate...is this who you want to be? This hate, mostly, seems to stem from the fact that you can't control other people: their actions, their past (which shapes who they are), how they treat you, how it affects your life...you can only control yourself. Not your situations, not (to a certain extent) what happens to you, but your reactions. Not necessarily overly comforting...but for someone who craves control, it may help to remember that yes -- you do always have a choice, especially in your reaction.
Please remember that there are people who love you and care about you. We can get together for coffee or whatever after the holidays if you want. We don't have to talk Jesus stuff, we can talk about any of this stuff. Let me know if I can do anything to help.
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